Twenty six years ago today, my mother took her last breath and left this earth. She was 48 years old. She died from melanoma.
I only knew my mother for 15 short years. As I grew older, I developed what I call "Mom Envy", always jealous of my female friends that were allowed the time to have adult relationships with their moms. I was always jealous of the lunches, the midnight talks and the advice. Boy, what I wouldn't give for one time just to laugh and talk with her again. But, what I didn't realize until this very week, is that my mom, despite that I only knew her for 15 short years, has shaped my life dramatically.
Mom always had a camera in her hand, always snapping photos of her kids. I must have 10,000 images of me and my brother and sister growing up, but I only have a handful of her. The problem, is that she was always behind the camera. One day, when I was 13, she announced that she was going to do a photo project, "1 photo a day for 1 year". I'm sure I rolled my teenager eyes at the shear mention of it. Unfortunately, her project lasted only two months, probably right after she realized just how much the film was going to cost to develop. But, now, I admire her spirit, and I recognize her goal. So much changes with kids, and life, everyday. I know she wanted to freeze the moments in between, to remember us when had moved out of the house, as adults on our own.
As I recalled that memory, just this past Monday, I had an epiphany. I'm trying to do the same thing...freeze memories. Not only for myself to help me remember moments that come and go, but for the many people I have met along the way. It hit me so hard, I had to sit down and cry.
As the years trickle by, I forget more and more. But I do remember a few things about her..., I can hardly remember her laugh, although I know she laughed often. I don't know what her favorite movie was, but I do remember going to watch old black and white movies at the
Tivoli theater in Chattanooga with her and Dad when I was in elementary school. And, I don't know what her favorite cookies were, but I do have a recipe of hers for Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookies that is my favorite. I also remember she loved animals as much as I do now.
I only have a few photos of my mom. My very favorite is the top one. I must have been only 4-6 months or so. It was taken in 1969 by one of my uncles, Donald or Ronald. She was 33 in this picture and she looks so happy.
The photo below was mom's prom photo in what I'm guessing is 1953. I LOVED this dress. From the time I can remember, I was always asking mom if I could wear it one day. But, tragically, the dress was thrown away soon after she wore it. The photo is taken at the
Chickamauga National Battlefield, only about one mile from where I grew up. She loved that park and we spend a lot of time there. I remember her telling me she and Dad spent a lot of time there when they were dating and when they were first married. It's one of the places I go and visit when I go home. I've always felt at peace there.
This next photo is of me (on the left), Mom, my Granny, Corrine Webb, and my sister, Melanie. Three Generations. I remember this photo like it was yesterday. I remember the smell of the corn we had just picked from my uncle's farm that needed to be shucked, and the sounds of lawn mowers in the distance. I remember my Granddaddy fumbling with the Polaroid camera trying to get it to work. I also remember my Granny making me homemade strawberry ice cream right after this photo. How I miss her too.
This last photo is in the spring of 1984. Mom had been fighting cancer for almost one year. Mom wasn't offered chemotherapy and didn't qualify for clinical trials, her melanoma was too advanced once discovered. Her doctors told her to make peace and live her last year the best she could. I can't imagine how scared she must have felt and what pain she must have been in, but she still managed a smile. She was braver and stronger than I can ever imagine having to be.
And then it happened, about five years ago. I looked down, and saw my mothers feet. I literally felt like I was 5 years old, and helping my mom put on a pair of sandals. I have her feet. Then, just recently, I went shopping. I looked in the mirror and my mother stared back. I don't know if it was what I was trying on in the dressing room, a particular thing my hair was doing that day, or if I've looked like my mother all along. I cried tears held back for 26 years. All those years yearning to hear her voice, all those years wanting to hug her neck, there she was...right inside of me all along.
Today I celebrate my mother's time on earth. I celebrate the love she had for her family, her friends, and for the thousands of frozen moments she captured for me in the form of photographs.
Despite how long she's been gone and the fact I only knew her for 15 years, I owe my current life to her. I hope she knows just how thankful I am.
I love you Mom.
